The shedding has begun and I’m not referring to my weight. I wish I was shedding weight as fast as I’m shedding hair. I very much dislike shedding hair. You know that feeling don’t you? You can feel it on your arm, but you look and it’s not there so you change the angle of your view to see if you can find that loose hair that’s about to drive you bonkers! Or the feeling when you get out of the shower and comb through your hair and it.just.keeps.coming.out.
12 weeks post-partum must mark some new changes. Hormones are shifting AGAIN, hair is coming out and face is breaking out. Awesome! (Gotta sing that word for the right effect.) Oh, well. Part of the “getting my body back” process. As I briefly mentioned, I wish my weight was shedding as much as my hair. In 6 weeks of focused exercise and healthy eating, I have lost 6 pounds. I wanted it to be 12. But, I can’t say I’m too disappointed because for the last 3 weeks, I’ve been so focused on eating non-dairy, finding new non-dairy alternatives and TRYING new non-dairy alternatives, I’m just happy I didn’t GAIN weight. I haven’t logged for 3 weeks either because finding new recipes, searching for a good non-dairy coffee creamer and trying new goodness was taking up too much time. I didn’t get around to taking a 12 week post partum picture, but it’s my plan for 13 weeks. I plan on putting it next to the pic 1 week after giving birth just to see what happens in 12 weeks.
Sometimes, I just want my body back now. I’m really tired of my in between clothes and I’m tired of feeling the “extra”. I’m in some of my pre-pregnancy jeans, but they definitely don’t fit as comfortably. I actually avoid them because I don’t like feeling a muffin top hangover. As much as I like muffins, that doesn’t make me feel beautiful. I would really like to get new shoes because all of my workout shoes are flat and have lost their oomph, but I’m wondering if my spread out feet will shrink back. I’ve heard some women keep their larger feet after pregnancy. Mine always shrunk back, but who knows this time around. I should really be focusing on the “change” that’s happening instead of the things that haven’t yet changed. I am getting much stronger and my cardiovascular endurance is increasing. I’m able to push without the feeling of death warmed over. Those are all good things.
I think the thing I am most proud of is the shedding of the self loathing. Yes, I still get thoughts in my brain every now and again that say “ew…my legs have cellulite in place I’ve not seen before”, but at least that thought doesn’t spill over into my day where I dwell on the unwelcome new discovery. In past days, it would’ve irritated me so much that I’d get grumpy, get frustrated and set out with determined drive to “fix that” only to discover that maybe my self hate was more demotivating in the long run than I thought. Maybe it’s because I’m not currently in front of a crowd as often. I do think I let the opinion and judgments of others have way too much weight. I’ll have to see how I deal when I’m back on stage, but one issue at a time please. I think I’ve come to a place where I am valuing my heart, my soul, my purpose much more than my physical appearance. While I don’t think we’ll (all of us women) ever lose the desire to be beautiful (I actually think we were created with that desire…the princess desire), I do think that my definition of beautiful is much more encompassing than just my mirror image. Be patient, princess. Change is on the horizon.